Back!

Hard to believe I haven't blogged since JUNE!!! SO much has been happening, and I can't wait to share what God has been doing in our lives. We continue to be blessed daily through our church family and friends. We continue to trust God's plan for us and are SO thankful HE is in control and WE ARE NOT! We are slowly getting used to a "new" normal. Thank you for your continued prayers...

ramblings....

Well there's a reason I haven't blogged... it's not b/c I've had NOTHING to say (those who KNOW me, know that I don't suffer for a loss of words - can be both good and bad), but I've not been "positive" in my thinking. I was posting when I had clarity and was going strong, but the last month or so just has NOT been that way! I am not one to be negative, and it's how I've been feeling, so I've refrained from posting! Negativity can come natural in trials, and to be positive and STAY positive takes a lot of hard work. I have not put forth the effort to STAY swimming upstream, and as a result floated downstream. It's been a hard month filled with emotions I don't even want to think about... but as our pastor put it so eloquently few weeks ago "Christ is CLOSEST to us in the DARKEST part of the storm".

It's been 8 months since Kingsley left the house and 7 months since he told me about his extra marital "friend" and plans to divorce. I have had no contact for 7 months! At times it feels like YEARS, but in other ways if feels like just a few weeks ago. Regardless, the pain is just as real today as the day he left. I'm not going to pretend the pain isn't there, it IS and it is crippling at times. As a wife/mother/adult/believer, I have a clear understanding of sin, it's effects and consequences, but my kids have NO concept of WHY their lives got turned upside down.

Their pain is what I struggle with the most. I have always loved them like a mama bear loves her cubs. They have my heart and I'd give my life for them. (though I never put them before my love for Kingsley:) It's devastating to watch your child suffer unjustly at a comment from a peer, or harsh rebuke from a stranger. It's difficult to swallow someone doing something unkind to someone you love so dearly. But that's life, it just happens! To have the ONE person you trusted to protect them, love them, care for them, nurture them, support them and fight for them - (someone you thought would give their life for them as well) COMPLETELY destroy them (in certain ways) is unbearable. It has caused a pain in my heart that I can't even find the words to express (I even tried all the synonyms on wikepedia.com)! How do you abandon your own flesh and blood? I just can't fathom it. So when they awake with nightmares or freak out when I simply walk out to the car to get something, I get angry for what their father has done to them. (yes, I understand God is sovereign and has a plan in ALL of this and can meet their every need), but their pain, their tears, are real! The feelings of being left are real every day. They ask me "Did daddy call to talk to me today? Do you think he's forgotten me?" What crushes me the most is "I don't think daddy loves me anymore, but I still love him". I don't say these things for any pity (I get PLENTY of that with the situation alone), but I have NO idea what they are going through. I can sympathize, I can empathize, I can cry with them, but I've never been 6 or 7 and had to deal with someone I trusted my life with completely abandoning me. (I thank my dad for being a MAN and living out his godly role as father and husband NO MATTER how hard things may have been). I had a father that dropped everything to love on us when we were hurt or upset. I had a father teach us and model Christ. I had a father that LOVED my mother my entire life and still now. I had a father protect me, take care of my every need. I just have no idea what they are experiencing. I try and tell my older 2 kids "I'm sure daddy still loves you" but they throw back teachings I taught them years ago when they'd argue "mom, you told us that we love with our actions, not just our words". Ouch. I know if God calls us to something He equips us, but SO many times, I don't feel equipped. I trust, by faith, what God says is true, but I feel I fail so many times. Keller broke down for no reason at all the other day, BEGGING me to call Kingsley. He said "PLEASE mommy, call him and JUST tell him I'll be good if he comes back, I won't act crazy". I kept saying "Keller you did NOTHING to bring this on, this has NOTHING to do with how you act". but through his sobs just kept begging like there was NO tomorrow to just "CALL HIM, at least tell him I'll be good, PLEASE MOMMY, PLEASE". I finally had to say "honey, I can't even if I wanted to, I don't have daddy's number or know where to reach him". I wish I could relate to their pain or have God give ME the pain instead of them, but I can't and I feel helpless at times! So if you are praying for us, please PLEASE pray for these little ones, especially Keller and Saylor.

There, I got it OUT. We are crushed. We are heart broken. We are sad. We feel alone. We get angry. We hurt. We cry and sob. We fear ..... but (self correction time) we are ALIVE. We were created for a purpose. We have a hope and a future. We are blessed. We are loved. We belong to a "father". We were called to live for more than ourselves and our emotions and feelings. So I may be alone fighting now, BUT I will fight unto my death to teach my kids the truths of scripture and protect them from the effects of wrong thinking. I will fight for them in a way I never would have if I was "happily married". I am the only parent left fighting for their souls, for their salvation, for their eternity, but the HELPER I have in this process is the VERY person who created them, not with genetic make up, but in spirit. I trust God will give me the renewed strength to fight when my flesh fails and I have nothing left. I can trust the ONE who breathed life into each one of us. My ONLY hope is in HIM and in HIM alone! The verse that keeps coming to mind is 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed"... We are SURELY hard pressed in every way possible... very perplexed and persecuted, but the truth is ... WE MAY FEEL DESTROYED, BUT WE ARE NOT... it's just an emotion that we will NOT trust!

OK so the details... many people are asking or just plain curious as to "how we are getting by" with no money or child support. You'd be amazed how much we have been blessed by friends, family and complete strangers. Our mortgage has not been paid since Oct 2009, so the house is in foreclosure and I do not have the means to pay it now. (this is prompting a move soon to Arizona) Our car is paid off. Our needs have been food, gas money and utilities. For food we obviously qualify for the local food pantry, so I've had to get over my pride and suck it up and take what is given to feed the little ones. We make it fun and have never take food for granted or not thanked God for providing through strangers' giving. In January I returned the kids Christmas presents (when they weren't looking) and a few other things to costco to pay for gas, food, etc... Then in February we had some friends and family be SO GENEROUS in giving to provide for us. That has carried us into May. I have had people give us walmart, target and costco gift cards. (which helped make a small birthday for the twins and Saylor special) I've had people I don't even know just stop off with 10 bags of groceries. In fact just yesterday I had some man I've never met come by to say "hi" to Kingsley (he was repairing house up the street). I had to explain what happened and later that day he came by to give us $50 for whatever our needs were (so that is gas for the week). We had someone we never met use frequent flyer miles to fly us out to Colorado for the kids Christmas break. We had someone buy us a dryer when ours broke. We also had someone repair our dryer! We've had people take us to the goodwill and buy us MORE than we need... shoes, pants, coats, sweaters, etc. I met a girl at the gym who had "heard" about what happened and brought groceries by. I've had babysitters never bat an eye to watch my kids when needed. I've had someone who works for a packaging company give me tons of boxes, tape and packaging materials to move. I have NEVER seen human kindness played out in a way such as this. We are humbled, we are thankful, we are loved by God through others. We know what it means to have NOTHING and yet to be content in whatever circumstances we are in. We are at the mercy of others, not an easy place for me to be.

So the next question "Are you going to work"? My answer: "YES, do you have a job available where I can bring my twins with me???? " Childcare full time for just the little ones' is $2500/month so I'd have to land a REALLY good job or find something where I can take them with me! Once they are in kindergarten (in 3 years) things will be much easier for me to work full time. I will need to get state assistance soon for health insurance and other things... I hate that I am in this position, but God has me here for a reason, and I trust Him.

OK so there it is.... I'm sure I've rambled MORE than anyone cared to read, but that is where we are in life right now. I've had to be humbled daily which is STILL a lesson I'm working on. I want to help others NOT be the one in NEED! Someday God will allow that!

Please keep us in your prayers.... they mean more to us than anything else!!!

Broken Promises ...

Sometimes a broken promise is the BEST thing that can happen to us.

I'll journal more later....

lessons from a treadmill

So our gym got these fancy new treadmills and ellipticals in the other day. Of course I am MUCH too IMPULSIVE to sit down and read the instructions - it ONLY makes sense to me to hop on and figure it out as I am going (like MUCH of what I do ... ACT now and think later). So I hit the quick start and all this confusing high tech stuff appears. My strategy now is to cover the dash with my sweatshirt so that I have NO idea what it is telling me to do. Out of sight out of mind right? A few minutes later I peek under the sweatshirt and I see in BRIGHT RED LETTERS "20% DONE". I was quite impressed with this new machine. It didn't even know how long I was going to be on, but yet it was telling me I was 20% done. I keep running and 20 minutes later it says 50% done! I like things that think for me. I kept thinking "but what if I jump off NOW, it would be WRONG, I'd be 100% done".... but I kept running. Then I got to 75% done. I was getting excited knowing that I was going to stop running and sweating soon (I enjoy weights but not thrilled with cardio). Then I started REALLY thinking (this is where things get dangerous for me).... this treadmill is MUCH like life.

We do NOT know when our earthly life will end. We do NOT know if it's today, tomorrow or 30 years from now. What if we ALL walked around with PERCENTAGES on our foreheads "40% done, 10% done, 99.9% done". Would we treat the 99.9% different knowing today is their last day? Would WE LIVE differently if we had that information? What if we saw a child with an 80% on their forehead? Why does the finality of someone's life all of a sudden motivate us to act differently? What gives us that compassion? The information? The situation? What COMPELS us? What motivates us? Pain, Suffering and Trials are sure way to motivate a person either ONE way or another!

Part of me died in December. My dream for my family died. My marriage died. My pride died. My APATHY died. So much died, which ALLOWED SO MUCH MORE TO COME ALIVE!!!!!!!! As I sat in Kingsley's office that day in December, his words haunt and encourage me. He was telling me he wanted a divorce, he found someone else, but that this was GOING TO BE GOOD FOR ME. He said I would grow through the pain and trial of it, he kept saying over and over again, "you'll come out of this so STRONG". Though I hated what he was doing and hated even MORE that he had the knowledge to KNOW that truth and STILL choose the path he was, I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT. There sat a man doing something so wrong, but speaking so right. It was quite confusing and yet comforting? Very odd. (disclaimer: Just because good came out of it for me, does NOT mean he is not accountable to God for his actions and disobedience)

I am NOT the same person I was. Oh I still have the same personality and probably "look" the same, but internally I am changed - I am ALIVE. Someone else's actions, sins, choices have benefited MY LIFE! Does this happen to everyone??? Absolutely NOT! (Eph 2:8-9 "For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God;not as a result of works, so that no one may boast). I can NOT boast in what GOD has done.
I've seen people so bitter and angry for YEARS and YEARS. They may walk around saying the right things, but they are devastated, ENSLAVED, that someone rejected them, left them, cheated on them, that God allowed a son, daughter, husband, friend die. They are miserable with the things they can not change. They live as a victim rather than the conquerer. (Romans 8:37 "in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us"). My heart breaks for such a person ... for God has GIVEN US EVERYTHING we need for life and godliness (1 Peter)... and it may NOT be a husband, it may NOT be a wife, it may NOT be a house, it may NOT be money, it may NOT be a child.... but it is CHRIST and His Word. We are RUNNING a race - this is INDEED the MOST important and ONLY race we have.. .our own life and what we do with it. We, as believers, should be running and sweating constantly! Every single day I have a choice, YOU have a choice to serve ourself or serve our Father. Live according to our flesh, or our spirit. Live enslaved or live set free. Live like we are dead or live like we are alive. We have a choice to choose joy or choose suffering. We can choose to love, there is NO law against it.

The funny thing about the treadmill was I had planned to stay on 45 minutes, but as I got off it said 60 minutes. I just followed it's demands that i was 50% done, 75% done, then 100% done. I surpassed my goal without even knowing it.

We set out with goals, dreams, desires, aspirations, and they may not come to fruition in the way we think they will, it's possible they come out MORE wonderful than we ever imagined. (Proverbs 16:9 "The mind of man plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps.")

My lil thug....

I had to document (for my own sake) one of the FUNNIEST things I've seen my kids do....

We were out somewhere and some low rider truck, with some major bass, was blasting "get low" .... I turn around and Slade-dog literally broke out dancing (and NOT like the WHITE boy he is).... he was "getting" low .... he had everyone laughing - which ONLY encouraged my "lil jon" to continue!!! I had NO idea that boy could move like that. He put on his "serious" face, like he KNEW he was the 'stuff'. Oh how I LOVE this kid... what a charmer!

On one of my harder days, it was EXACTLY what I needed to realize how precious it is that I get to experience all these memories with my little ones!!

PITY PARTY TIME!!

We decided to make it "official" tonight. We claimed tonight "PITY PARTY NIGHT".....

For the past few weeks Keller and Saylor (my older 2 children) have had moments of self loathing, pity parties for themselves regarding their dad's decision to leave. Don't get me wrong, I DO HAVE compassion for them, BUT there comes a time when you need to push them past the negativity and protect them from THEMSELVES. If I let them continue down this path they will claim the "victim" mentality and thus begins their journey of destruction. So instead of telling them to "stop having pity parties for themselves" we agreed to actually have ONE BIG PARTY and get it ALL out and put it in the hands of the one who controls ALL things, our heavenly father!

We had so much fun with a balloon fight, GRAFFITI, dancing, singing, cake, ice cream and a MOVIE!

And if you are confused by my "I love my Hubby shirt"... just read my 2 posts below... it'll explain it:)

Before we sat down to watch a movie, we were able to talk and express our feelings and emotions. They were so honest and open. They don't feel their father loves them or cares for them.... what an AMAZING witnessing opportunity this turned into. THANK YOU JESUS! I was able to present God, His Son and his plan for redemption and salvation. We touched on Christ during His crucifixion crying out "My God, My God why have you forsaken me".... he had EMOTIONS and FEELINGS... he walked this earth in a FLESHLY BODY that FELT PAIN and SUFFERING. My kids, who are usually silly and giddy, were all ears. It was truly a sweet moment.

Anyway... here are a few pics of our PITY PARTY!!!

My "new" american dream....

Trials (can) truly bring out all kinds of different things: Character, Faith, Strength, Fear, Discontentment, Belief, Peace, Sadness, Hate, Patience, Trust, Righteousness, etc... They take you to a depth you NEVER EVEN knew existed ..... then raise you up to a place of hope, joy and spiritual maturity (if you walk by faith and love and TRUST God in His Word). The end result can be one of the most beautiful things we witness as humans this side of heaven, but I'll be honest, the process to get there is UGLY and MESSY. I am UGLY and MESSY in the process, as of now! I have highs, lows, strength, weakness, sorrow, joy, hope, despair... it's all there, and guess what? I LOVE IT! I love that God grabbed a hold of me and WON'T LET GO! The ride is scary, but I know how it's going to end! I'm a glutton for the rush. I love roller coasters, jumping off things, I love the adrenaline rush... so here I find myself on a spiritual/emotional roller coaster - the scariest kind of all!!!

6 months ago I had a very content and comfortable life. I had stability. I had money. I had a family. I had a husband I truly loved and adored. I had wonderful friends. I had food. I had a good schedule. I had shelter. I had a smile on my face daily. I had healthy kids. I volunteered at school. I had a good church. I had so SO much and I was so VERY thankful. I had the american dream and I KNEW it. My perfect little life lacked something....... DARE, oh DARE I SAY I WAS APATHETIC in my faith???? *gasp another *GASP!!! I know better than to say such a thing.... doesn't God spit lukewarm people out of His mouth? (Rev. 3:16 "So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth) Look at my life God, I've perfected it! I was a good wife, respecting and doting on my beloved husband. I practiced Proverbs 31! I served others (another way of saying I was a "people pleaser"). I did OH SO WELL in praying and reading your word, because that is what "good Christians" do. Aren't you so proud of me God? I quoted verses to my friends in "need". I was charming, I made people laugh and smile. I was loyal. I was honest (too a fault:). This is what I'm called to do, right God? I bet you are looking down just smiling at me, right???? DARE, DARE I SAY I WAS APATHETIC?????? I was a "dead" man walking..... (stolen from Jars of Clay:)

Romans 14:23 "and whatever is not from faith is sin"

Eph. 2:8-9 "For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; NOT AS A RESULT OF WORKS, SO THAT NO ONE MAY BOAST".

Little did I know what a life of faith, committed to my Savior would cost me. My apathetic and oh so perfect, little life was going to be tested and guess what? God doesn't care about my "american family dream". He doesn't care about my apathetic life, He wants ME, ALL OF ME, my heart, my soul, for it TRULY is HIS -He paid for it!! He loves me enough to discipline me as a father disciplines His child, out of love, for my GROWTH. (NO theological debate whether this trial is an act of discipline from my Father.....I can't possibly know His motives for allowing it) He was jealous OVER me. He WANTED me! God hated my apathetic life and He had enough of it. (THANK YOU JESUS) He hated seeing me walk in my flesh of self righteousness. He hated that I put my trust in my works and in my flesh AND EVEN DEFENDED my flesh! He hated that I did these things and had the nerve to label them with His name. He hated that I was going through the motions. He hated my legalism. He hated that I didn't understand the cross. He sent HIS SON to die my death and I WAS MISSING IT!!!!!! I WAS MISSING IT!!!!!!! HOW COULD I BE MISSING IT???? I grew up in church, Christian schools, missions trips... How could I POSSIBLY be missing it????? I knew it too, I just didn't know how to change it. I knew every time I went to pray I was missing it. I was guilt ridden in those times. I knew that I hadn't given him my all. I was holding on so tightly to my life, my husband, my kids, my friends, my perfect life. I don't think at that time I would've have given it all up if God had asked me to... So in His infinite wisdom, HE DIDN'T ASK ME, He just took back what was RIGHTFULLY His... He took ME. HE TOOK ME to those depths and was there with me. He NEVER LEFT me in those moments. HE KNEW it's what I needed. We wrestled, oh we wrestled..... HE KNEW the end result and just kept saying over and over and over again "TRUST ME, TRUST ME, TRUST ME" God decided it was time for a change.. not just one or two, but MANY of them. He in His sovereignty allowed me to lose my husband, best friend, my house, money, stability, etc.... my little american dream became the american NIGHTMARE overnight! You really don't realize what you are living for until all the things YOU WERE living for and striving for are stripped away! I wouldn't change the course of my life for ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!

So if I've become one of those crazy, walking bible verse, over passionate spiritual believers that irritates you, PRAISE GOD! I will not apologize for my zeal. My dear friend and pastor said the other day "People will say 'you are so heavenly minded that you are no earthly good, but I'd rather be that person vs the one who is SO EARTHLY minded they are no heavenly good'". Well said PG. Believe me, I'm prepared for people NOT to like me. (which threatens my flesh, b/c it wants to be liked) People despised Christ too - they hated what He stood for... so much that they KILLED him for it!!! (please don't kill me though:) So my "new" american dream has been revised: it now includes heartache, trials, growth, instability, maturity, and things of the like - it (God) breathed new life into me. It gave me life, thank you God. My dream for ALL people is to understand what it truly means to be set free. When you are free from the things that enslave your life, you live and act according to that freedom, nothing can steal that freedom, it's the most valuable "thing" I now own. I have nothing, but yet I know I am the "wealthiest" of people! I'd gladly give up my husband and house and belongings to have it. I come boldly before the throne of God KNOWING there is NO condemnation for those in Christ Jesus.

Romans 8:1-2 "Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death"

Lyrics to Jars of Clay "Dead man walking"....

I woke up from a dream about an empty funeral
But is was better than the party full of people I don't really know
They've got hearts to break and burn
Dirty hands to feel the earth
There's something in my veins,
But I can't seem to make it work... won't work

So Carry Me,
I'm just a dead man
Lying on the carpet
Can't find a heartbeat
Make me breathe,
I want to be a new man
Tired of the old one
Out with the old plan

"Do you ever cry?"

This post is going to be hard for me. I'm just going to be honest. WOW, crying already and I haven't even written anything meaningful! UGH.

Someone asked me the other day "Andrea, do you ever cry? You always seem so strong". Maybe it's my laughter or sarcasm or carefree spirit that covers up what I truly feel... LOL.... But, at that point I actually fell apart crying and said "ummmmm YES, DAILY, if not every moment I am not around people". How can I NOT be upset with sin and it's devastating effects? So YES, I cry, and I cry and I cry.... AND THEN when I have NO MORE tears, I cry some more. EVERY DAY. I cry for my kids and what they have already endured and what they are about to endure. I cry for my husband and the choices he's made. I cry for the pain my parents endure watching their child suffer. I cry over a lost dream. I cry at the name of Christ being trampled through this ugly mess. I cry when someone says "that's why I stay away from church.... look at what your husband did and he came across as such a godly person". My HEART BREAKS FOR YOU OH GOD.

My heart breaks for my own sin and fleshy struggles. Have I been innocent in all this? NO! I've been angry. I've defamed my husbands character (whether true or not, has not been my place to play God and reveal his choices). I have justified my actions by comparing them to the magnitude of what my husband has done. I say "oh I only told the truth, when he's completely abandoned us" .... I mean who wouldn't agree that I'm justified, right??? but I AM NOT!!!! I can NOT stand before my God, my Father, my Maker and say "I did wrong b/c my husband did" That is NOT owning my faith.... it's still leaning on someone else's actions and not taking responsibility. I'm still acting like a child. GOD HELP ME and FORGIVE ME. Wanting the world to see how wronged I've been is playing the "victim" card, it's SELFISHNESS and PRIDE. I hate it in myself, and yes I CRY because I hate my flesh. I cry, I battle, I cry, I battle. In fact I cry much MUCH more over my own sin than what Kingsley has done! I hate it with all I am. I hate it like Paul did when he said "For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want." (Romans 7:19) He was tormented internally as am I. It's the flesh and spirit waging war against my soul. Thanks be to GOD I already know that b/c He's made me new (2 Cor. 5:17 "Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature", Eph. 4:24 "and put on the new self, which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth" ) that the spirit WILL WIN THIS BATTLE!

Romans 8:2 "For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death."

John 8:36 ""So if the Son makes you free, you will be free indeed."

Romans 6:11 "Even so consider yourselves to be dead to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus"

Galations 2:19 "For through the Law I died to the Law, so that I might live to God"

Colossians 3:3 "For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God."

1 Peter 2:24 "He himself bore our sins in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed."

and my FAVORITE:
Galations 5:1 "It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery"

I KNOW that I am no longer bound or enslaved to sin (anger, bitterness, self-righteousness), it has no hold over me to control me, I am free from that. I am free to love unconditionally. I am free to practice self control. I am free to be gentle. I am free to be kind. I am free to forgive. I am free show mercy (mercy triumphs over judgment - James 2:13) against these things there is no law.

Galations 5:22-23 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law"

(OK side note: I put scripture to show that I have NO WORDS, NO ADVICE, NO THOUGHTS aside from God's truth.... don't want to plagiarize... it's His thoughts, His Words)

I am blessed beyond measure with TRUTH, to know and understand God's sovereignty, His peace that passes all understanding, beyond just the words... but TRULY believing it and living it, AND yet it does NOT nullify that my heart being completely broken into a hundred pieces! Christ suffered. When He was in the garden he begged God to "take this cup from me". Luke 22:42 "Father, if You are willing, remove this cup from Me; yet not My will, but Yours be done." The key word is "YET" Oh how I've prayed this 1000 times (maybe MORE). It doesn't mean I don't accept God's will for my life, but Oh so many times when I can barely breathe through my sobs, I BEG Him to take this cup from me. YET this is His will for me. It's almost more than I can bear at times, but YET I KNOW if God allowed it, He has a plan and WILL equip me to get through. The goal isn't just to "get through" .... the goal is the refining process He is doing in me amidst the trial! He cares for me. He's jealous over me. He WILL remove the distractions that get in the way of me giving myself completely to Him. He cares THAT MUCH for me! So though it hurts like hell, I trust Him!

I will say this once, in case i never say it again, I LOVE MY HUSBAND, KINGSLEY. With all my heart, I love that man and NOT because I'm commanded to, but because I am free to! God has used him to change my life in amazing ways. I had the opportunity for 17 years to love and grow with him as my best friend, husband, counselor, lover and my kids father. He has amazing qualities! (I would not have married him if it wasn't so). He has a knowledge of scripture beyond what I've seen in many people. (I'm surely NOT making the argument that knowledge and wisdom are the same though... the devil has more bible knowledge than we do and he shudders:) But Kingsley is well trained biblically, he has learned the Greek and the Hebrew. His brain can process knowledge like no other. It's truly amazing. He's carefree. He's hard working. He's kind. I could go on and on... I will spare myself even more tears. My point is, God made him unique, as He has with all of us. Kingsley has made some poor choices as of recent, but WHICH ONE OF US HASN'T? John 8:7 ""He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." I CERTAINLY can't throw the first stone! Am I justifying Kingsley's sin?? By no means. But am I God? WITH A RESOUNDING THANKFULNESS, NO I AM NOT. I am not to judge. I can righteously be angry, but not to sin in my anger (oh how hard this can be:) I forgive Kingsley. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE HIM with MY WHOLE HEART. WHY you ask???? Because that is the grace and forgiveness and LOVE Christ showed me!!!! When we truly see God's forgiveness and love towards us, HOW IN THE WORLD CAN WE NOT show the same to others???? When I see Christ on the cross, bearing MY SIN, bleeding for me, flogged for me, mocked for me, beaten for me, spit upon for me, anguishing for me, separated from His father for me, taking on my ugly ugly UGLY sin, paying and PURCHASING MY LIFE WITH HIS, how can I not show even half of that love to my brother, my husband? I have not suffered for my husband in that way!!! Kingsley didn't cause all the pain in my life, he is a pawn in God's plan for my life. God does not tempt us, (James 1:13 "For God cannot be tempted by evil, and He Himself does not tempt anyone.) we know this, so the question is "Could God have changed the course of all of this?" ABSOLUTELY!!!! He could have, He chose NOT to. He chose to allow this trial in MY life and in my kids. So now the new question is "DO I trust Him?". And again, the answer is ABSOLUTELY. This is how you see me and say "do you ever cry"? I don't trust anything else, not your advice or anyone else's, I TRUST THE WORD OF GOD and I take HIM at His word!!! Call it "stupid faith" because it makes NO SENSE to someone with little faith. God give me STUPID FAITH (sorry, no verse for this one:)

Do I cry? Yes, I cry for my sin. I cry for my husbands sin. I cry for kids hurt and pain. I cry b/c my kids cry. I cry because of world hunger. I cry because this fallen world. I cry because I give into my flesh.

But NOW I cry for my thankfulness. I cry because of my joy. I cry because of overwhelming love in my heart. I cry b/c my father loves me. I cry. i cry. i cry.

OK so there it is.

my long answer for

"do you ever cry"?

answer: "YES"!

............

ALONE?????

So someone said to me "I bet you feel SO alone right now".... and as much as I appreciated their concern and sympathy towards my situation, I thanked GOD over and over for HIS truth which has sustained me. I answered and said, I believe with all my heart the Word of God is true and knowable and God CLEARLY states:

Hebrews 13:5 "I WILL NEVER DESERT YOU, NOR WILL I EVER FORSAKE YOU".

Isaiah 54:5 "For your husband is your Maker, Whose name is the LORD of hosts; And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel, Who is called the God of all the earth"

Any child of God is NEVER alone.

If you are reading this and "feel" alone, trust God at HIS WORD.... it's the ONLY thing we CAN trust! Be encouraged and KNOW that the God who created the heavens and the earth will never leave YOU, if you are His.

The Gentle Barn

We enjoyed an afternoon out away from the "chaos" of life's circumstances. We went to the "gentle barn", a place where they have rescued animals from either abuse or slaughter houses. The older two LOVED it, while the twins weren't too thrilled with all the large "doggies". It was a lot of fun just getting away and enjoying the simple things of life again. I loved seeing the smiles return to the kids faces.... they've aged YEARS in a few weeks and it was wonderful seeing them be kids again. Thank you Lord.