My lil thug....

I had to document (for my own sake) one of the FUNNIEST things I've seen my kids do....

We were out somewhere and some low rider truck, with some major bass, was blasting "get low" .... I turn around and Slade-dog literally broke out dancing (and NOT like the WHITE boy he is).... he was "getting" low .... he had everyone laughing - which ONLY encouraged my "lil jon" to continue!!! I had NO idea that boy could move like that. He put on his "serious" face, like he KNEW he was the 'stuff'. Oh how I LOVE this kid... what a charmer!

On one of my harder days, it was EXACTLY what I needed to realize how precious it is that I get to experience all these memories with my little ones!!

PITY PARTY TIME!!

We decided to make it "official" tonight. We claimed tonight "PITY PARTY NIGHT".....

For the past few weeks Keller and Saylor (my older 2 children) have had moments of self loathing, pity parties for themselves regarding their dad's decision to leave. Don't get me wrong, I DO HAVE compassion for them, BUT there comes a time when you need to push them past the negativity and protect them from THEMSELVES. If I let them continue down this path they will claim the "victim" mentality and thus begins their journey of destruction. So instead of telling them to "stop having pity parties for themselves" we agreed to actually have ONE BIG PARTY and get it ALL out and put it in the hands of the one who controls ALL things, our heavenly father!

We had so much fun with a balloon fight, GRAFFITI, dancing, singing, cake, ice cream and a MOVIE!

And if you are confused by my "I love my Hubby shirt"... just read my 2 posts below... it'll explain it:)

Before we sat down to watch a movie, we were able to talk and express our feelings and emotions. They were so honest and open. They don't feel their father loves them or cares for them.... what an AMAZING witnessing opportunity this turned into. THANK YOU JESUS! I was able to present God, His Son and his plan for redemption and salvation. We touched on Christ during His crucifixion crying out "My God, My God why have you forsaken me".... he had EMOTIONS and FEELINGS... he walked this earth in a FLESHLY BODY that FELT PAIN and SUFFERING. My kids, who are usually silly and giddy, were all ears. It was truly a sweet moment.

Anyway... here are a few pics of our PITY PARTY!!!

My "new" american dream....

Trials (can) truly bring out all kinds of different things: Character, Faith, Strength, Fear, Discontentment, Belief, Peace, Sadness, Hate, Patience, Trust, Righteousness, etc... They take you to a depth you NEVER EVEN knew existed ..... then raise you up to a place of hope, joy and spiritual maturity (if you walk by faith and love and TRUST God in His Word). The end result can be one of the most beautiful things we witness as humans this side of heaven, but I'll be honest, the process to get there is UGLY and MESSY. I am UGLY and MESSY in the process, as of now! I have highs, lows, strength, weakness, sorrow, joy, hope, despair... it's all there, and guess what? I LOVE IT! I love that God grabbed a hold of me and WON'T LET GO! The ride is scary, but I know how it's going to end! I'm a glutton for the rush. I love roller coasters, jumping off things, I love the adrenaline rush... so here I find myself on a spiritual/emotional roller coaster - the scariest kind of all!!!

6 months ago I had a very content and comfortable life. I had stability. I had money. I had a family. I had a husband I truly loved and adored. I had wonderful friends. I had food. I had a good schedule. I had shelter. I had a smile on my face daily. I had healthy kids. I volunteered at school. I had a good church. I had so SO much and I was so VERY thankful. I had the american dream and I KNEW it. My perfect little life lacked something....... DARE, oh DARE I SAY I WAS APATHETIC in my faith???? *gasp another *GASP!!! I know better than to say such a thing.... doesn't God spit lukewarm people out of His mouth? (Rev. 3:16 "So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth) Look at my life God, I've perfected it! I was a good wife, respecting and doting on my beloved husband. I practiced Proverbs 31! I served others (another way of saying I was a "people pleaser"). I did OH SO WELL in praying and reading your word, because that is what "good Christians" do. Aren't you so proud of me God? I quoted verses to my friends in "need". I was charming, I made people laugh and smile. I was loyal. I was honest (too a fault:). This is what I'm called to do, right God? I bet you are looking down just smiling at me, right???? DARE, DARE I SAY I WAS APATHETIC?????? I was a "dead" man walking..... (stolen from Jars of Clay:)

Romans 14:23 "and whatever is not from faith is sin"

Eph. 2:8-9 "For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; NOT AS A RESULT OF WORKS, SO THAT NO ONE MAY BOAST".

Little did I know what a life of faith, committed to my Savior would cost me. My apathetic and oh so perfect, little life was going to be tested and guess what? God doesn't care about my "american family dream". He doesn't care about my apathetic life, He wants ME, ALL OF ME, my heart, my soul, for it TRULY is HIS -He paid for it!! He loves me enough to discipline me as a father disciplines His child, out of love, for my GROWTH. (NO theological debate whether this trial is an act of discipline from my Father.....I can't possibly know His motives for allowing it) He was jealous OVER me. He WANTED me! God hated my apathetic life and He had enough of it. (THANK YOU JESUS) He hated seeing me walk in my flesh of self righteousness. He hated that I put my trust in my works and in my flesh AND EVEN DEFENDED my flesh! He hated that I did these things and had the nerve to label them with His name. He hated that I was going through the motions. He hated my legalism. He hated that I didn't understand the cross. He sent HIS SON to die my death and I WAS MISSING IT!!!!!! I WAS MISSING IT!!!!!!! HOW COULD I BE MISSING IT???? I grew up in church, Christian schools, missions trips... How could I POSSIBLY be missing it????? I knew it too, I just didn't know how to change it. I knew every time I went to pray I was missing it. I was guilt ridden in those times. I knew that I hadn't given him my all. I was holding on so tightly to my life, my husband, my kids, my friends, my perfect life. I don't think at that time I would've have given it all up if God had asked me to... So in His infinite wisdom, HE DIDN'T ASK ME, He just took back what was RIGHTFULLY His... He took ME. HE TOOK ME to those depths and was there with me. He NEVER LEFT me in those moments. HE KNEW it's what I needed. We wrestled, oh we wrestled..... HE KNEW the end result and just kept saying over and over and over again "TRUST ME, TRUST ME, TRUST ME" God decided it was time for a change.. not just one or two, but MANY of them. He in His sovereignty allowed me to lose my husband, best friend, my house, money, stability, etc.... my little american dream became the american NIGHTMARE overnight! You really don't realize what you are living for until all the things YOU WERE living for and striving for are stripped away! I wouldn't change the course of my life for ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!

So if I've become one of those crazy, walking bible verse, over passionate spiritual believers that irritates you, PRAISE GOD! I will not apologize for my zeal. My dear friend and pastor said the other day "People will say 'you are so heavenly minded that you are no earthly good, but I'd rather be that person vs the one who is SO EARTHLY minded they are no heavenly good'". Well said PG. Believe me, I'm prepared for people NOT to like me. (which threatens my flesh, b/c it wants to be liked) People despised Christ too - they hated what He stood for... so much that they KILLED him for it!!! (please don't kill me though:) So my "new" american dream has been revised: it now includes heartache, trials, growth, instability, maturity, and things of the like - it (God) breathed new life into me. It gave me life, thank you God. My dream for ALL people is to understand what it truly means to be set free. When you are free from the things that enslave your life, you live and act according to that freedom, nothing can steal that freedom, it's the most valuable "thing" I now own. I have nothing, but yet I know I am the "wealthiest" of people! I'd gladly give up my husband and house and belongings to have it. I come boldly before the throne of God KNOWING there is NO condemnation for those in Christ Jesus.

Romans 8:1-2 "Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death"

Lyrics to Jars of Clay "Dead man walking"....

I woke up from a dream about an empty funeral
But is was better than the party full of people I don't really know
They've got hearts to break and burn
Dirty hands to feel the earth
There's something in my veins,
But I can't seem to make it work... won't work

So Carry Me,
I'm just a dead man
Lying on the carpet
Can't find a heartbeat
Make me breathe,
I want to be a new man
Tired of the old one
Out with the old plan

"Do you ever cry?"

This post is going to be hard for me. I'm just going to be honest. WOW, crying already and I haven't even written anything meaningful! UGH.

Someone asked me the other day "Andrea, do you ever cry? You always seem so strong". Maybe it's my laughter or sarcasm or carefree spirit that covers up what I truly feel... LOL.... But, at that point I actually fell apart crying and said "ummmmm YES, DAILY, if not every moment I am not around people". How can I NOT be upset with sin and it's devastating effects? So YES, I cry, and I cry and I cry.... AND THEN when I have NO MORE tears, I cry some more. EVERY DAY. I cry for my kids and what they have already endured and what they are about to endure. I cry for my husband and the choices he's made. I cry for the pain my parents endure watching their child suffer. I cry over a lost dream. I cry at the name of Christ being trampled through this ugly mess. I cry when someone says "that's why I stay away from church.... look at what your husband did and he came across as such a godly person". My HEART BREAKS FOR YOU OH GOD.

My heart breaks for my own sin and fleshy struggles. Have I been innocent in all this? NO! I've been angry. I've defamed my husbands character (whether true or not, has not been my place to play God and reveal his choices). I have justified my actions by comparing them to the magnitude of what my husband has done. I say "oh I only told the truth, when he's completely abandoned us" .... I mean who wouldn't agree that I'm justified, right??? but I AM NOT!!!! I can NOT stand before my God, my Father, my Maker and say "I did wrong b/c my husband did" That is NOT owning my faith.... it's still leaning on someone else's actions and not taking responsibility. I'm still acting like a child. GOD HELP ME and FORGIVE ME. Wanting the world to see how wronged I've been is playing the "victim" card, it's SELFISHNESS and PRIDE. I hate it in myself, and yes I CRY because I hate my flesh. I cry, I battle, I cry, I battle. In fact I cry much MUCH more over my own sin than what Kingsley has done! I hate it with all I am. I hate it like Paul did when he said "For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want." (Romans 7:19) He was tormented internally as am I. It's the flesh and spirit waging war against my soul. Thanks be to GOD I already know that b/c He's made me new (2 Cor. 5:17 "Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature", Eph. 4:24 "and put on the new self, which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth" ) that the spirit WILL WIN THIS BATTLE!

Romans 8:2 "For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death."

John 8:36 ""So if the Son makes you free, you will be free indeed."

Romans 6:11 "Even so consider yourselves to be dead to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus"

Galations 2:19 "For through the Law I died to the Law, so that I might live to God"

Colossians 3:3 "For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God."

1 Peter 2:24 "He himself bore our sins in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed."

and my FAVORITE:
Galations 5:1 "It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery"

I KNOW that I am no longer bound or enslaved to sin (anger, bitterness, self-righteousness), it has no hold over me to control me, I am free from that. I am free to love unconditionally. I am free to practice self control. I am free to be gentle. I am free to be kind. I am free to forgive. I am free show mercy (mercy triumphs over judgment - James 2:13) against these things there is no law.

Galations 5:22-23 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law"

(OK side note: I put scripture to show that I have NO WORDS, NO ADVICE, NO THOUGHTS aside from God's truth.... don't want to plagiarize... it's His thoughts, His Words)

I am blessed beyond measure with TRUTH, to know and understand God's sovereignty, His peace that passes all understanding, beyond just the words... but TRULY believing it and living it, AND yet it does NOT nullify that my heart being completely broken into a hundred pieces! Christ suffered. When He was in the garden he begged God to "take this cup from me". Luke 22:42 "Father, if You are willing, remove this cup from Me; yet not My will, but Yours be done." The key word is "YET" Oh how I've prayed this 1000 times (maybe MORE). It doesn't mean I don't accept God's will for my life, but Oh so many times when I can barely breathe through my sobs, I BEG Him to take this cup from me. YET this is His will for me. It's almost more than I can bear at times, but YET I KNOW if God allowed it, He has a plan and WILL equip me to get through. The goal isn't just to "get through" .... the goal is the refining process He is doing in me amidst the trial! He cares for me. He's jealous over me. He WILL remove the distractions that get in the way of me giving myself completely to Him. He cares THAT MUCH for me! So though it hurts like hell, I trust Him!

I will say this once, in case i never say it again, I LOVE MY HUSBAND, KINGSLEY. With all my heart, I love that man and NOT because I'm commanded to, but because I am free to! God has used him to change my life in amazing ways. I had the opportunity for 17 years to love and grow with him as my best friend, husband, counselor, lover and my kids father. He has amazing qualities! (I would not have married him if it wasn't so). He has a knowledge of scripture beyond what I've seen in many people. (I'm surely NOT making the argument that knowledge and wisdom are the same though... the devil has more bible knowledge than we do and he shudders:) But Kingsley is well trained biblically, he has learned the Greek and the Hebrew. His brain can process knowledge like no other. It's truly amazing. He's carefree. He's hard working. He's kind. I could go on and on... I will spare myself even more tears. My point is, God made him unique, as He has with all of us. Kingsley has made some poor choices as of recent, but WHICH ONE OF US HASN'T? John 8:7 ""He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." I CERTAINLY can't throw the first stone! Am I justifying Kingsley's sin?? By no means. But am I God? WITH A RESOUNDING THANKFULNESS, NO I AM NOT. I am not to judge. I can righteously be angry, but not to sin in my anger (oh how hard this can be:) I forgive Kingsley. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE HIM with MY WHOLE HEART. WHY you ask???? Because that is the grace and forgiveness and LOVE Christ showed me!!!! When we truly see God's forgiveness and love towards us, HOW IN THE WORLD CAN WE NOT show the same to others???? When I see Christ on the cross, bearing MY SIN, bleeding for me, flogged for me, mocked for me, beaten for me, spit upon for me, anguishing for me, separated from His father for me, taking on my ugly ugly UGLY sin, paying and PURCHASING MY LIFE WITH HIS, how can I not show even half of that love to my brother, my husband? I have not suffered for my husband in that way!!! Kingsley didn't cause all the pain in my life, he is a pawn in God's plan for my life. God does not tempt us, (James 1:13 "For God cannot be tempted by evil, and He Himself does not tempt anyone.) we know this, so the question is "Could God have changed the course of all of this?" ABSOLUTELY!!!! He could have, He chose NOT to. He chose to allow this trial in MY life and in my kids. So now the new question is "DO I trust Him?". And again, the answer is ABSOLUTELY. This is how you see me and say "do you ever cry"? I don't trust anything else, not your advice or anyone else's, I TRUST THE WORD OF GOD and I take HIM at His word!!! Call it "stupid faith" because it makes NO SENSE to someone with little faith. God give me STUPID FAITH (sorry, no verse for this one:)

Do I cry? Yes, I cry for my sin. I cry for my husbands sin. I cry for kids hurt and pain. I cry b/c my kids cry. I cry because of world hunger. I cry because this fallen world. I cry because I give into my flesh.

But NOW I cry for my thankfulness. I cry because of my joy. I cry because of overwhelming love in my heart. I cry b/c my father loves me. I cry. i cry. i cry.

OK so there it is.

my long answer for

"do you ever cry"?

answer: "YES"!

............