"Do you ever cry?"

This post is going to be hard for me. I'm just going to be honest. WOW, crying already and I haven't even written anything meaningful! UGH.

Someone asked me the other day "Andrea, do you ever cry? You always seem so strong". Maybe it's my laughter or sarcasm or carefree spirit that covers up what I truly feel... LOL.... But, at that point I actually fell apart crying and said "ummmmm YES, DAILY, if not every moment I am not around people". How can I NOT be upset with sin and it's devastating effects? So YES, I cry, and I cry and I cry.... AND THEN when I have NO MORE tears, I cry some more. EVERY DAY. I cry for my kids and what they have already endured and what they are about to endure. I cry for my husband and the choices he's made. I cry for the pain my parents endure watching their child suffer. I cry over a lost dream. I cry at the name of Christ being trampled through this ugly mess. I cry when someone says "that's why I stay away from church.... look at what your husband did and he came across as such a godly person". My HEART BREAKS FOR YOU OH GOD.

My heart breaks for my own sin and fleshy struggles. Have I been innocent in all this? NO! I've been angry. I've defamed my husbands character (whether true or not, has not been my place to play God and reveal his choices). I have justified my actions by comparing them to the magnitude of what my husband has done. I say "oh I only told the truth, when he's completely abandoned us" .... I mean who wouldn't agree that I'm justified, right??? but I AM NOT!!!! I can NOT stand before my God, my Father, my Maker and say "I did wrong b/c my husband did" That is NOT owning my faith.... it's still leaning on someone else's actions and not taking responsibility. I'm still acting like a child. GOD HELP ME and FORGIVE ME. Wanting the world to see how wronged I've been is playing the "victim" card, it's SELFISHNESS and PRIDE. I hate it in myself, and yes I CRY because I hate my flesh. I cry, I battle, I cry, I battle. In fact I cry much MUCH more over my own sin than what Kingsley has done! I hate it with all I am. I hate it like Paul did when he said "For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want." (Romans 7:19) He was tormented internally as am I. It's the flesh and spirit waging war against my soul. Thanks be to GOD I already know that b/c He's made me new (2 Cor. 5:17 "Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature", Eph. 4:24 "and put on the new self, which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth" ) that the spirit WILL WIN THIS BATTLE!

Romans 8:2 "For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death."

John 8:36 ""So if the Son makes you free, you will be free indeed."

Romans 6:11 "Even so consider yourselves to be dead to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus"

Galations 2:19 "For through the Law I died to the Law, so that I might live to God"

Colossians 3:3 "For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God."

1 Peter 2:24 "He himself bore our sins in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed."

and my FAVORITE:
Galations 5:1 "It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery"

I KNOW that I am no longer bound or enslaved to sin (anger, bitterness, self-righteousness), it has no hold over me to control me, I am free from that. I am free to love unconditionally. I am free to practice self control. I am free to be gentle. I am free to be kind. I am free to forgive. I am free show mercy (mercy triumphs over judgment - James 2:13) against these things there is no law.

Galations 5:22-23 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law"

(OK side note: I put scripture to show that I have NO WORDS, NO ADVICE, NO THOUGHTS aside from God's truth.... don't want to plagiarize... it's His thoughts, His Words)

I am blessed beyond measure with TRUTH, to know and understand God's sovereignty, His peace that passes all understanding, beyond just the words... but TRULY believing it and living it, AND yet it does NOT nullify that my heart being completely broken into a hundred pieces! Christ suffered. When He was in the garden he begged God to "take this cup from me". Luke 22:42 "Father, if You are willing, remove this cup from Me; yet not My will, but Yours be done." The key word is "YET" Oh how I've prayed this 1000 times (maybe MORE). It doesn't mean I don't accept God's will for my life, but Oh so many times when I can barely breathe through my sobs, I BEG Him to take this cup from me. YET this is His will for me. It's almost more than I can bear at times, but YET I KNOW if God allowed it, He has a plan and WILL equip me to get through. The goal isn't just to "get through" .... the goal is the refining process He is doing in me amidst the trial! He cares for me. He's jealous over me. He WILL remove the distractions that get in the way of me giving myself completely to Him. He cares THAT MUCH for me! So though it hurts like hell, I trust Him!

I will say this once, in case i never say it again, I LOVE MY HUSBAND, KINGSLEY. With all my heart, I love that man and NOT because I'm commanded to, but because I am free to! God has used him to change my life in amazing ways. I had the opportunity for 17 years to love and grow with him as my best friend, husband, counselor, lover and my kids father. He has amazing qualities! (I would not have married him if it wasn't so). He has a knowledge of scripture beyond what I've seen in many people. (I'm surely NOT making the argument that knowledge and wisdom are the same though... the devil has more bible knowledge than we do and he shudders:) But Kingsley is well trained biblically, he has learned the Greek and the Hebrew. His brain can process knowledge like no other. It's truly amazing. He's carefree. He's hard working. He's kind. I could go on and on... I will spare myself even more tears. My point is, God made him unique, as He has with all of us. Kingsley has made some poor choices as of recent, but WHICH ONE OF US HASN'T? John 8:7 ""He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." I CERTAINLY can't throw the first stone! Am I justifying Kingsley's sin?? By no means. But am I God? WITH A RESOUNDING THANKFULNESS, NO I AM NOT. I am not to judge. I can righteously be angry, but not to sin in my anger (oh how hard this can be:) I forgive Kingsley. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE HIM with MY WHOLE HEART. WHY you ask???? Because that is the grace and forgiveness and LOVE Christ showed me!!!! When we truly see God's forgiveness and love towards us, HOW IN THE WORLD CAN WE NOT show the same to others???? When I see Christ on the cross, bearing MY SIN, bleeding for me, flogged for me, mocked for me, beaten for me, spit upon for me, anguishing for me, separated from His father for me, taking on my ugly ugly UGLY sin, paying and PURCHASING MY LIFE WITH HIS, how can I not show even half of that love to my brother, my husband? I have not suffered for my husband in that way!!! Kingsley didn't cause all the pain in my life, he is a pawn in God's plan for my life. God does not tempt us, (James 1:13 "For God cannot be tempted by evil, and He Himself does not tempt anyone.) we know this, so the question is "Could God have changed the course of all of this?" ABSOLUTELY!!!! He could have, He chose NOT to. He chose to allow this trial in MY life and in my kids. So now the new question is "DO I trust Him?". And again, the answer is ABSOLUTELY. This is how you see me and say "do you ever cry"? I don't trust anything else, not your advice or anyone else's, I TRUST THE WORD OF GOD and I take HIM at His word!!! Call it "stupid faith" because it makes NO SENSE to someone with little faith. God give me STUPID FAITH (sorry, no verse for this one:)

Do I cry? Yes, I cry for my sin. I cry for my husbands sin. I cry for kids hurt and pain. I cry b/c my kids cry. I cry because of world hunger. I cry because this fallen world. I cry because I give into my flesh.

But NOW I cry for my thankfulness. I cry because of my joy. I cry because of overwhelming love in my heart. I cry b/c my father loves me. I cry. i cry. i cry.

OK so there it is.

my long answer for

"do you ever cry"?

answer: "YES"!

............