ramblings....

Well there's a reason I haven't blogged... it's not b/c I've had NOTHING to say (those who KNOW me, know that I don't suffer for a loss of words - can be both good and bad), but I've not been "positive" in my thinking. I was posting when I had clarity and was going strong, but the last month or so just has NOT been that way! I am not one to be negative, and it's how I've been feeling, so I've refrained from posting! Negativity can come natural in trials, and to be positive and STAY positive takes a lot of hard work. I have not put forth the effort to STAY swimming upstream, and as a result floated downstream. It's been a hard month filled with emotions I don't even want to think about... but as our pastor put it so eloquently few weeks ago "Christ is CLOSEST to us in the DARKEST part of the storm".

It's been 8 months since Kingsley left the house and 7 months since he told me about his extra marital "friend" and plans to divorce. I have had no contact for 7 months! At times it feels like YEARS, but in other ways if feels like just a few weeks ago. Regardless, the pain is just as real today as the day he left. I'm not going to pretend the pain isn't there, it IS and it is crippling at times. As a wife/mother/adult/believer, I have a clear understanding of sin, it's effects and consequences, but my kids have NO concept of WHY their lives got turned upside down.

Their pain is what I struggle with the most. I have always loved them like a mama bear loves her cubs. They have my heart and I'd give my life for them. (though I never put them before my love for Kingsley:) It's devastating to watch your child suffer unjustly at a comment from a peer, or harsh rebuke from a stranger. It's difficult to swallow someone doing something unkind to someone you love so dearly. But that's life, it just happens! To have the ONE person you trusted to protect them, love them, care for them, nurture them, support them and fight for them - (someone you thought would give their life for them as well) COMPLETELY destroy them (in certain ways) is unbearable. It has caused a pain in my heart that I can't even find the words to express (I even tried all the synonyms on wikepedia.com)! How do you abandon your own flesh and blood? I just can't fathom it. So when they awake with nightmares or freak out when I simply walk out to the car to get something, I get angry for what their father has done to them. (yes, I understand God is sovereign and has a plan in ALL of this and can meet their every need), but their pain, their tears, are real! The feelings of being left are real every day. They ask me "Did daddy call to talk to me today? Do you think he's forgotten me?" What crushes me the most is "I don't think daddy loves me anymore, but I still love him". I don't say these things for any pity (I get PLENTY of that with the situation alone), but I have NO idea what they are going through. I can sympathize, I can empathize, I can cry with them, but I've never been 6 or 7 and had to deal with someone I trusted my life with completely abandoning me. (I thank my dad for being a MAN and living out his godly role as father and husband NO MATTER how hard things may have been). I had a father that dropped everything to love on us when we were hurt or upset. I had a father teach us and model Christ. I had a father that LOVED my mother my entire life and still now. I had a father protect me, take care of my every need. I just have no idea what they are experiencing. I try and tell my older 2 kids "I'm sure daddy still loves you" but they throw back teachings I taught them years ago when they'd argue "mom, you told us that we love with our actions, not just our words". Ouch. I know if God calls us to something He equips us, but SO many times, I don't feel equipped. I trust, by faith, what God says is true, but I feel I fail so many times. Keller broke down for no reason at all the other day, BEGGING me to call Kingsley. He said "PLEASE mommy, call him and JUST tell him I'll be good if he comes back, I won't act crazy". I kept saying "Keller you did NOTHING to bring this on, this has NOTHING to do with how you act". but through his sobs just kept begging like there was NO tomorrow to just "CALL HIM, at least tell him I'll be good, PLEASE MOMMY, PLEASE". I finally had to say "honey, I can't even if I wanted to, I don't have daddy's number or know where to reach him". I wish I could relate to their pain or have God give ME the pain instead of them, but I can't and I feel helpless at times! So if you are praying for us, please PLEASE pray for these little ones, especially Keller and Saylor.

There, I got it OUT. We are crushed. We are heart broken. We are sad. We feel alone. We get angry. We hurt. We cry and sob. We fear ..... but (self correction time) we are ALIVE. We were created for a purpose. We have a hope and a future. We are blessed. We are loved. We belong to a "father". We were called to live for more than ourselves and our emotions and feelings. So I may be alone fighting now, BUT I will fight unto my death to teach my kids the truths of scripture and protect them from the effects of wrong thinking. I will fight for them in a way I never would have if I was "happily married". I am the only parent left fighting for their souls, for their salvation, for their eternity, but the HELPER I have in this process is the VERY person who created them, not with genetic make up, but in spirit. I trust God will give me the renewed strength to fight when my flesh fails and I have nothing left. I can trust the ONE who breathed life into each one of us. My ONLY hope is in HIM and in HIM alone! The verse that keeps coming to mind is 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed"... We are SURELY hard pressed in every way possible... very perplexed and persecuted, but the truth is ... WE MAY FEEL DESTROYED, BUT WE ARE NOT... it's just an emotion that we will NOT trust!

OK so the details... many people are asking or just plain curious as to "how we are getting by" with no money or child support. You'd be amazed how much we have been blessed by friends, family and complete strangers. Our mortgage has not been paid since Oct 2009, so the house is in foreclosure and I do not have the means to pay it now. (this is prompting a move soon to Arizona) Our car is paid off. Our needs have been food, gas money and utilities. For food we obviously qualify for the local food pantry, so I've had to get over my pride and suck it up and take what is given to feed the little ones. We make it fun and have never take food for granted or not thanked God for providing through strangers' giving. In January I returned the kids Christmas presents (when they weren't looking) and a few other things to costco to pay for gas, food, etc... Then in February we had some friends and family be SO GENEROUS in giving to provide for us. That has carried us into May. I have had people give us walmart, target and costco gift cards. (which helped make a small birthday for the twins and Saylor special) I've had people I don't even know just stop off with 10 bags of groceries. In fact just yesterday I had some man I've never met come by to say "hi" to Kingsley (he was repairing house up the street). I had to explain what happened and later that day he came by to give us $50 for whatever our needs were (so that is gas for the week). We had someone we never met use frequent flyer miles to fly us out to Colorado for the kids Christmas break. We had someone buy us a dryer when ours broke. We also had someone repair our dryer! We've had people take us to the goodwill and buy us MORE than we need... shoes, pants, coats, sweaters, etc. I met a girl at the gym who had "heard" about what happened and brought groceries by. I've had babysitters never bat an eye to watch my kids when needed. I've had someone who works for a packaging company give me tons of boxes, tape and packaging materials to move. I have NEVER seen human kindness played out in a way such as this. We are humbled, we are thankful, we are loved by God through others. We know what it means to have NOTHING and yet to be content in whatever circumstances we are in. We are at the mercy of others, not an easy place for me to be.

So the next question "Are you going to work"? My answer: "YES, do you have a job available where I can bring my twins with me???? " Childcare full time for just the little ones' is $2500/month so I'd have to land a REALLY good job or find something where I can take them with me! Once they are in kindergarten (in 3 years) things will be much easier for me to work full time. I will need to get state assistance soon for health insurance and other things... I hate that I am in this position, but God has me here for a reason, and I trust Him.

OK so there it is.... I'm sure I've rambled MORE than anyone cared to read, but that is where we are in life right now. I've had to be humbled daily which is STILL a lesson I'm working on. I want to help others NOT be the one in NEED! Someday God will allow that!

Please keep us in your prayers.... they mean more to us than anything else!!!