My "new" american dream....

Trials (can) truly bring out all kinds of different things: Character, Faith, Strength, Fear, Discontentment, Belief, Peace, Sadness, Hate, Patience, Trust, Righteousness, etc... They take you to a depth you NEVER EVEN knew existed ..... then raise you up to a place of hope, joy and spiritual maturity (if you walk by faith and love and TRUST God in His Word). The end result can be one of the most beautiful things we witness as humans this side of heaven, but I'll be honest, the process to get there is UGLY and MESSY. I am UGLY and MESSY in the process, as of now! I have highs, lows, strength, weakness, sorrow, joy, hope, despair... it's all there, and guess what? I LOVE IT! I love that God grabbed a hold of me and WON'T LET GO! The ride is scary, but I know how it's going to end! I'm a glutton for the rush. I love roller coasters, jumping off things, I love the adrenaline rush... so here I find myself on a spiritual/emotional roller coaster - the scariest kind of all!!!

6 months ago I had a very content and comfortable life. I had stability. I had money. I had a family. I had a husband I truly loved and adored. I had wonderful friends. I had food. I had a good schedule. I had shelter. I had a smile on my face daily. I had healthy kids. I volunteered at school. I had a good church. I had so SO much and I was so VERY thankful. I had the american dream and I KNEW it. My perfect little life lacked something....... DARE, oh DARE I SAY I WAS APATHETIC in my faith???? *gasp another *GASP!!! I know better than to say such a thing.... doesn't God spit lukewarm people out of His mouth? (Rev. 3:16 "So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth) Look at my life God, I've perfected it! I was a good wife, respecting and doting on my beloved husband. I practiced Proverbs 31! I served others (another way of saying I was a "people pleaser"). I did OH SO WELL in praying and reading your word, because that is what "good Christians" do. Aren't you so proud of me God? I quoted verses to my friends in "need". I was charming, I made people laugh and smile. I was loyal. I was honest (too a fault:). This is what I'm called to do, right God? I bet you are looking down just smiling at me, right???? DARE, DARE I SAY I WAS APATHETIC?????? I was a "dead" man walking..... (stolen from Jars of Clay:)

Romans 14:23 "and whatever is not from faith is sin"

Eph. 2:8-9 "For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; NOT AS A RESULT OF WORKS, SO THAT NO ONE MAY BOAST".

Little did I know what a life of faith, committed to my Savior would cost me. My apathetic and oh so perfect, little life was going to be tested and guess what? God doesn't care about my "american family dream". He doesn't care about my apathetic life, He wants ME, ALL OF ME, my heart, my soul, for it TRULY is HIS -He paid for it!! He loves me enough to discipline me as a father disciplines His child, out of love, for my GROWTH. (NO theological debate whether this trial is an act of discipline from my Father.....I can't possibly know His motives for allowing it) He was jealous OVER me. He WANTED me! God hated my apathetic life and He had enough of it. (THANK YOU JESUS) He hated seeing me walk in my flesh of self righteousness. He hated that I put my trust in my works and in my flesh AND EVEN DEFENDED my flesh! He hated that I did these things and had the nerve to label them with His name. He hated that I was going through the motions. He hated my legalism. He hated that I didn't understand the cross. He sent HIS SON to die my death and I WAS MISSING IT!!!!!! I WAS MISSING IT!!!!!!! HOW COULD I BE MISSING IT???? I grew up in church, Christian schools, missions trips... How could I POSSIBLY be missing it????? I knew it too, I just didn't know how to change it. I knew every time I went to pray I was missing it. I was guilt ridden in those times. I knew that I hadn't given him my all. I was holding on so tightly to my life, my husband, my kids, my friends, my perfect life. I don't think at that time I would've have given it all up if God had asked me to... So in His infinite wisdom, HE DIDN'T ASK ME, He just took back what was RIGHTFULLY His... He took ME. HE TOOK ME to those depths and was there with me. He NEVER LEFT me in those moments. HE KNEW it's what I needed. We wrestled, oh we wrestled..... HE KNEW the end result and just kept saying over and over and over again "TRUST ME, TRUST ME, TRUST ME" God decided it was time for a change.. not just one or two, but MANY of them. He in His sovereignty allowed me to lose my husband, best friend, my house, money, stability, etc.... my little american dream became the american NIGHTMARE overnight! You really don't realize what you are living for until all the things YOU WERE living for and striving for are stripped away! I wouldn't change the course of my life for ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!

So if I've become one of those crazy, walking bible verse, over passionate spiritual believers that irritates you, PRAISE GOD! I will not apologize for my zeal. My dear friend and pastor said the other day "People will say 'you are so heavenly minded that you are no earthly good, but I'd rather be that person vs the one who is SO EARTHLY minded they are no heavenly good'". Well said PG. Believe me, I'm prepared for people NOT to like me. (which threatens my flesh, b/c it wants to be liked) People despised Christ too - they hated what He stood for... so much that they KILLED him for it!!! (please don't kill me though:) So my "new" american dream has been revised: it now includes heartache, trials, growth, instability, maturity, and things of the like - it (God) breathed new life into me. It gave me life, thank you God. My dream for ALL people is to understand what it truly means to be set free. When you are free from the things that enslave your life, you live and act according to that freedom, nothing can steal that freedom, it's the most valuable "thing" I now own. I have nothing, but yet I know I am the "wealthiest" of people! I'd gladly give up my husband and house and belongings to have it. I come boldly before the throne of God KNOWING there is NO condemnation for those in Christ Jesus.

Romans 8:1-2 "Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death"

Lyrics to Jars of Clay "Dead man walking"....

I woke up from a dream about an empty funeral
But is was better than the party full of people I don't really know
They've got hearts to break and burn
Dirty hands to feel the earth
There's something in my veins,
But I can't seem to make it work... won't work

So Carry Me,
I'm just a dead man
Lying on the carpet
Can't find a heartbeat
Make me breathe,
I want to be a new man
Tired of the old one
Out with the old plan