"Do you ever cry?"

This post is going to be hard for me. I'm just going to be honest. WOW, crying already and I haven't even written anything meaningful! UGH.

Someone asked me the other day "Andrea, do you ever cry? You always seem so strong". Maybe it's my laughter or sarcasm or carefree spirit that covers up what I truly feel... LOL.... But, at that point I actually fell apart crying and said "ummmmm YES, DAILY, if not every moment I am not around people". How can I NOT be upset with sin and it's devastating effects? So YES, I cry, and I cry and I cry.... AND THEN when I have NO MORE tears, I cry some more. EVERY DAY. I cry for my kids and what they have already endured and what they are about to endure. I cry for my husband and the choices he's made. I cry for the pain my parents endure watching their child suffer. I cry over a lost dream. I cry at the name of Christ being trampled through this ugly mess. I cry when someone says "that's why I stay away from church.... look at what your husband did and he came across as such a godly person". My HEART BREAKS FOR YOU OH GOD.

My heart breaks for my own sin and fleshy struggles. Have I been innocent in all this? NO! I've been angry. I've defamed my husbands character (whether true or not, has not been my place to play God and reveal his choices). I have justified my actions by comparing them to the magnitude of what my husband has done. I say "oh I only told the truth, when he's completely abandoned us" .... I mean who wouldn't agree that I'm justified, right??? but I AM NOT!!!! I can NOT stand before my God, my Father, my Maker and say "I did wrong b/c my husband did" That is NOT owning my faith.... it's still leaning on someone else's actions and not taking responsibility. I'm still acting like a child. GOD HELP ME and FORGIVE ME. Wanting the world to see how wronged I've been is playing the "victim" card, it's SELFISHNESS and PRIDE. I hate it in myself, and yes I CRY because I hate my flesh. I cry, I battle, I cry, I battle. In fact I cry much MUCH more over my own sin than what Kingsley has done! I hate it with all I am. I hate it like Paul did when he said "For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want." (Romans 7:19) He was tormented internally as am I. It's the flesh and spirit waging war against my soul. Thanks be to GOD I already know that b/c He's made me new (2 Cor. 5:17 "Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature", Eph. 4:24 "and put on the new self, which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth" ) that the spirit WILL WIN THIS BATTLE!

Romans 8:2 "For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death."

John 8:36 ""So if the Son makes you free, you will be free indeed."

Romans 6:11 "Even so consider yourselves to be dead to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus"

Galations 2:19 "For through the Law I died to the Law, so that I might live to God"

Colossians 3:3 "For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God."

1 Peter 2:24 "He himself bore our sins in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed."

and my FAVORITE:
Galations 5:1 "It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery"

I KNOW that I am no longer bound or enslaved to sin (anger, bitterness, self-righteousness), it has no hold over me to control me, I am free from that. I am free to love unconditionally. I am free to practice self control. I am free to be gentle. I am free to be kind. I am free to forgive. I am free show mercy (mercy triumphs over judgment - James 2:13) against these things there is no law.

Galations 5:22-23 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law"

(OK side note: I put scripture to show that I have NO WORDS, NO ADVICE, NO THOUGHTS aside from God's truth.... don't want to plagiarize... it's His thoughts, His Words)

I am blessed beyond measure with TRUTH, to know and understand God's sovereignty, His peace that passes all understanding, beyond just the words... but TRULY believing it and living it, AND yet it does NOT nullify that my heart being completely broken into a hundred pieces! Christ suffered. When He was in the garden he begged God to "take this cup from me". Luke 22:42 "Father, if You are willing, remove this cup from Me; yet not My will, but Yours be done." The key word is "YET" Oh how I've prayed this 1000 times (maybe MORE). It doesn't mean I don't accept God's will for my life, but Oh so many times when I can barely breathe through my sobs, I BEG Him to take this cup from me. YET this is His will for me. It's almost more than I can bear at times, but YET I KNOW if God allowed it, He has a plan and WILL equip me to get through. The goal isn't just to "get through" .... the goal is the refining process He is doing in me amidst the trial! He cares for me. He's jealous over me. He WILL remove the distractions that get in the way of me giving myself completely to Him. He cares THAT MUCH for me! So though it hurts like hell, I trust Him!

I will say this once, in case i never say it again, I LOVE MY HUSBAND, KINGSLEY. With all my heart, I love that man and NOT because I'm commanded to, but because I am free to! God has used him to change my life in amazing ways. I had the opportunity for 17 years to love and grow with him as my best friend, husband, counselor, lover and my kids father. He has amazing qualities! (I would not have married him if it wasn't so). He has a knowledge of scripture beyond what I've seen in many people. (I'm surely NOT making the argument that knowledge and wisdom are the same though... the devil has more bible knowledge than we do and he shudders:) But Kingsley is well trained biblically, he has learned the Greek and the Hebrew. His brain can process knowledge like no other. It's truly amazing. He's carefree. He's hard working. He's kind. I could go on and on... I will spare myself even more tears. My point is, God made him unique, as He has with all of us. Kingsley has made some poor choices as of recent, but WHICH ONE OF US HASN'T? John 8:7 ""He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." I CERTAINLY can't throw the first stone! Am I justifying Kingsley's sin?? By no means. But am I God? WITH A RESOUNDING THANKFULNESS, NO I AM NOT. I am not to judge. I can righteously be angry, but not to sin in my anger (oh how hard this can be:) I forgive Kingsley. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE HIM with MY WHOLE HEART. WHY you ask???? Because that is the grace and forgiveness and LOVE Christ showed me!!!! When we truly see God's forgiveness and love towards us, HOW IN THE WORLD CAN WE NOT show the same to others???? When I see Christ on the cross, bearing MY SIN, bleeding for me, flogged for me, mocked for me, beaten for me, spit upon for me, anguishing for me, separated from His father for me, taking on my ugly ugly UGLY sin, paying and PURCHASING MY LIFE WITH HIS, how can I not show even half of that love to my brother, my husband? I have not suffered for my husband in that way!!! Kingsley didn't cause all the pain in my life, he is a pawn in God's plan for my life. God does not tempt us, (James 1:13 "For God cannot be tempted by evil, and He Himself does not tempt anyone.) we know this, so the question is "Could God have changed the course of all of this?" ABSOLUTELY!!!! He could have, He chose NOT to. He chose to allow this trial in MY life and in my kids. So now the new question is "DO I trust Him?". And again, the answer is ABSOLUTELY. This is how you see me and say "do you ever cry"? I don't trust anything else, not your advice or anyone else's, I TRUST THE WORD OF GOD and I take HIM at His word!!! Call it "stupid faith" because it makes NO SENSE to someone with little faith. God give me STUPID FAITH (sorry, no verse for this one:)

Do I cry? Yes, I cry for my sin. I cry for my husbands sin. I cry for kids hurt and pain. I cry b/c my kids cry. I cry because of world hunger. I cry because this fallen world. I cry because I give into my flesh.

But NOW I cry for my thankfulness. I cry because of my joy. I cry because of overwhelming love in my heart. I cry b/c my father loves me. I cry. i cry. i cry.

OK so there it is.

my long answer for

"do you ever cry"?

answer: "YES"!

............

ALONE?????

So someone said to me "I bet you feel SO alone right now".... and as much as I appreciated their concern and sympathy towards my situation, I thanked GOD over and over for HIS truth which has sustained me. I answered and said, I believe with all my heart the Word of God is true and knowable and God CLEARLY states:

Hebrews 13:5 "I WILL NEVER DESERT YOU, NOR WILL I EVER FORSAKE YOU".

Isaiah 54:5 "For your husband is your Maker, Whose name is the LORD of hosts; And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel, Who is called the God of all the earth"

Any child of God is NEVER alone.

If you are reading this and "feel" alone, trust God at HIS WORD.... it's the ONLY thing we CAN trust! Be encouraged and KNOW that the God who created the heavens and the earth will never leave YOU, if you are His.

The Gentle Barn

We enjoyed an afternoon out away from the "chaos" of life's circumstances. We went to the "gentle barn", a place where they have rescued animals from either abuse or slaughter houses. The older two LOVED it, while the twins weren't too thrilled with all the large "doggies". It was a lot of fun just getting away and enjoying the simple things of life again. I loved seeing the smiles return to the kids faces.... they've aged YEARS in a few weeks and it was wonderful seeing them be kids again. Thank you Lord.

Each day....

My prayer each day is:

Romans 12:1 "Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship."

and I need to remind myself throughout the day:

1 Cor. 1:9 "God is faithful, through whom you were called into fellowship with His Son, Jesus Christ our Lord."

If God has called me for a purpose, He is FAITHFUL to equip me for that calling. I believe this by FAITH.

So here are a few of my little "callings"..... my gifts from God:)

I'm back....

So much to catch up on. The twins have just turned 2! It was fun having 2 babies turning 2 on the 22nd of the 2nd month!!! We didn't do too much, we had a friend in town along with Mimi and Diddy so we did cake and ice cream! Mimi got the twins their own travel suitcase which will come in QUITE handy in the weeks/months to come. THANK YOU MIMI!


Both Slade and Ramsey are repeating EVERYTHING we say. They love learning new words and Keller and Saylor love teaching them! I love watching all 4 sit down and play together, amazing to watch and observe these 4 little people that God has entrusted me with. I'm realizing what a HUGE call it is to be a "mother". Our lives have truly taken a path we never expected, but gladly welcome because we know God is in control and is allowing it.

2 days before Christmas Kingsley left us. The week prior he wanted to separate, then he decided it was final and wanted to move forward towards divorce. He has since moved to New Jersey to start a new life. The details of all that has happened are irrelevant at this point, but I say this because much of what I'm learning and growing through are a result of his choices. God has graciously allowed me to have a love in my heart for him that surpasses that of a husband/wife relationship. I continuously thank God for that blessing, for if my heart has only love in regards to him, there is no room for anger or bitterness, which would indeed be the temptation of my flesh.

January 14th the divorce proceedings began. Please pray for us as we venture into the unknowns of our future. We give ourselves over to the ONE who does know our future though and we thank God everyday for the sufferings that will grow us and mold us into who HE wants us to be. We give all praise and glory to God for the many blessings HE continues to give us. As I blog more I will share what some of those things have been.

For now, here are some new pictures......

been awhile

Well it's been awhile... I've been wanting to update blog, but nothing too exciting has been going on (which I guess NO NEWS is GOOD news).

The babies aren't really babies anymore... they are little toddlers. They are on the go from the time they wake up to the time they go to bed.... I cherish those FEW hours alone after they have gone to sleep!! Slade is actually talking more than Ramsey and knows a little sign language to help him communicate. Ramsey is more quiet but BUSY. Slade says "ball, eyes, hat, bye bye, and dada". Neither say "mama" yet. Oh well. Slade also climbed out of his crib for the first time. I left the side rail down during nap and was VERY surprised to see him appear in the kitchen a few minutes later!!! Slade is still my more "passionate" (code word for EMOTIONAL MESS) baby. He gets upset quite easy and will throw his head down and bang it continuously on the tile floor. In many pictures you will see a bump or bruise on his forehead! Ramsey will sit and watch and laugh at him. She claps at the show, which only makes little Slade more upset. Ramsey is very easy going. She ONLY cries when I put her in bed for the night... other than that she never cries. She is a very contented and happy baby, which is why everyone prefers to hold her over Slade.

The comment I am getting from EVERYONE these days is "WOW, so how far apart are they?" to which I say "Oh about 5 min". No one can tell they are twins. Slade is a little bigger (not a WHOLE year bigger) but Ramsey is still a little peanut. All my kids grow fast and grow big, so it's nice to have ONE child stay in clothes a little longer!!! She is a picky eater and takes FOREVER to eat, whereas Slade can't shovel the food in fast enough.

We are excited to travel to Palm Springs to see Mimi and Diddy this week. The kids miss them and are SO excited to see them again. Saylor talks about going to Starbucks with Diddy ALONE and getting strawberries and cream smoothie. It's her "special" thing to do with him. She will always remember and have that memory of her grandfather. My grandfather always walked me up to the hardware store and bought me a bag of gum that looked like rocks. To this day I cherish holding his hand on the walk and getting that gum. It was my special thing with him.

We start school in a month, so now begins the clothes and supply shopping. Saylor goes into Kinder and Keller in 1st. They go to a charter school, so they will be in SAME class from 8-12, then saylor will come home and they work on 1st grade stuff until 3. She is excited to be in class WITH keller and all his friends who she knows so well already. She has been planning her first day of school outfit over and over again as well as practicing how she'll do her hair. She is growing up too fast.

That's it for now. Here are a few pictures from our Picture People session. I adore these kids. I'm so thankful for each day with them.

It's been awhile.

Why is it that we wait until something MAJOR happens before we truly appreciate what is in front of us? For instance, a diagnosis of cancer, or a heart attack, getting into a car accident, a terminally ill child? I read a mother write on her blog today (in regards to her son who is soon to pass away from CF at 7 years old) "it makes me FURIOUS to see mother's yell at their children for not being able to tie a shoe, or because they are running late to some insignificant event". She can't fathom for a moment treating her son in a way b/c he has about a week left of life. She is focused on easing his pain, loving him every single second because she knows how quickly his time here on earth is ending. I can't even to begin to imagine what this mother is going through, but at one time she said the SAME thing about other mother's going through similar situations. We NEVER know at any given moment what God is going to allow in our lives by way of sickness or death. I'm not making the argument we live in fear, by NO MEANS, but to expect this life to be free of pain and heartbreak is foolishness. There WILL be trials. There WILL be suffering. We WILL be let down. We will experience things we never wished we had. Each of us has our own "story". We have our own set of "trials" that we think no one understands but "us". We all can have a pity party and think or "story" is the worst. Some have a child addicted to drugs. Some have had a cheating spouse. Some have been the cheating spouse. Some have had addictions to pornography. Some have been self righteous. Some have been apathetic. Some have been through divorce. Some have been married WISHING they were divorced. Some have had sickness rob their family of a loved one. Some can't live without meds. Some have lost a child. Some can't have a child. And the list goes on. We ALL are ego centric to some point. We ARE humans.

We have but ONE hope.... Christ. So cliche I know. But to endure all these trials and still be a light, we need to trust that HE is the author of ALL things and allows them to come into our life for OUR good. Nothing goes unnoticed by "Him".
I heard someone the other day talking about how God "tests" us. And many of times we get angry and wonder "why me?"... we view God in a negative way b/c we don't like the "test" we are under. But like any GOOD teacher, she will test her students, not out of cruelty, but out of necessity to see where her students are. What do they know, what don't they know? She NEEDS to test them to evaluate what to be working on with them. Where do they need to improve? So tests are GOOD, even if they don't feel like it. We can PRAISE God for caring enough to test us and be involved in our lives instead of being just our "creator" who leaves us alone and isn't personally involved in EVERY aspect of our lives. What an AMAZING God we serve.

I say this, because I am struggling. (not going to air all my struggles and pretend that MY struggles are WORSE or more important than anyone elses), but I am struggling with some tough things and I NEED to preach to myself or my own negative thoughts will swallow me up and get the best of me. I NEED to remember who I am in Christ, and what my purpose here on earth is. I NEED to understand that life is short. (no I'm not dying... well we all are, kind of... but no medical diagnosis of anything).

So much more I need to say (mostly to myself) but my sweet Saylor is BEGGING me to play barbie's... and she keeps hearing mommy say "one more minute honey" or "maybe later"... but this is my point... we may not have "later". The mother I mentioned in the blog doesn't have a "later". Her son died this morning. She would have put down her computer in a second if he even had the energy to ask her to play barbie's (or lego's). So I am off to play barbie's and enjoy my daughter.

twin antics

I must say that I do INDEED love having twins. I meet SO many people that say "Oh I always wanted twins" or "I was REALLY hoping I'd end up with twins" and while I was NEVER one of those people who thought about having twins, I wouldn't trade it for the world. Caring for twins is so much harder than just a singleton. Sometimes I have pity parties and WISH someone understood what it was like, how difficult it is, but I realize that no matter HOW hard our situation is, there is ALWAYS someone who has it harder. A friend of mine had TRIPLETS, so I think of her often:) I won't go into details of the hardship, because who TRULY delights or wants to know of our frustrations. The flip side of the trial is that you DO get TWICE the amount of giggles, laughs and kisses. We have started a bedtime routine of playing in their room for about an hour before they settle down and go to bed. I sit in there with them and get tackled and smothered with kisses. One is kissing the top of my head and the other is kissing my face, both laughing hysterically! Reading books to babies, with two on your lap, is so fun. They will look at each other, point to pictures, laugh together and try to turn the pages. It's amazing to watch them interact together. When you have one baby and put them next to another baby (a cousin, friend, etc...) you keep a close eye on them to make sure they don't pull hair, or tackle each other, or hurt each other, but with twins, they are SO used to being together that you never worry about them getting hurt together. With twins, it's not a novelty to have another baby around, they are just used to having each other so they learn to get along even while babies!

The other day I was upstairs while they were in their high chairs and I heard the "belly" laugh... nonstop giggling. I peeked over the staircase to see Ramsey feeding Slade all her food! (It's no wonder he's so much bigger). They thought that was the funniest thing and of course so did Keller and Saylor!

When you have a single baby, you become "alarmed" when it's "quiet", because you KNOW they are into something! With twins, you are alarmed when they laugh, because ONE of them is into something and the other is laughing at them! I heard Slade laughing hard, so I of course run into the room to see that Ramsey had somehow climbed up on the dresser and was throwing diapers and toys down to him. A few days ago I heard Ramsey squealing and laughing (again you have to run quick at laughter) and I found Slade had crawled out the back door (one of the older two left it open). While he was happy to escape, Ramsey's laughter got him caught!

Sometimes I wish time would stand still. I love this part of life, when kids are little, at home, happy to spend time with us. I know things will change, but I'm enjoying these precious precious years!

OUCH! Read this today...

Read this today and figured I'd ONLY be on FB and blog while kids are sleeping:)

My computer arrived just the other day,
It came on the porch in the usual way
So many blogs to read and games to play
My child learned to walk, while I twittered away
And he was talkin’ for I knew it, as my friends list grew
He’d say I’m gonna be like you mom
You know I’m gonna be like you

And mom’s lost on the computer, lettin' dinner burn
Little boy wanders, he just wants to learn
When you getting off mom?
I don’t know when, but we’ll get together then
we're gonna have a good time then

My son turned ten just the other day
He said "thanks for the wii, mom, come on let’s play"
"Can you teach me how it works?" I said “Not today”
"I got a blog to write" he said “that’s okay”
And he walked away while the computer never dimmed
He said, “I’m gonna be like them, yeah”
You know I’m gonna be like them

And mom’s lost on the computer lettin' dinner burn
Little boy wanders, he just wants to learn
When you getting off mom?
I don’t know when, but we’ll get together then
We're gonna have a good time then

Well my son came home just the other day
iPod in his ears, while he texted away
"Son, I'm proud of you, can you sit for a while?"
He shook his head and he said with a smile
"I'd really like to Mom, but talkins' not my thing"
"Check my status, for what's happening"

And mom’s lost on the computer lettin' dinner burn
Little boy wanders, he just wants to learn
When you getting off mom?
I don’t know when, but we’ll get together then
You know we’ll have a good time then

Well my blog's retired and my Facebook out-of-date
My son texted, “Hey mom, I just can't relate"
I said, "I'd like to see you if you have some time."
He said, "I'd love to mom but skype if you don't mind."
"You see my website's down and my workload just grew."
"but it's nice texting with you, mom"
It's been sure nice texting with you."

And as I typed “c u later” it occurred to me
He'd grown up just like me
My boy was just like me